The other day, I went to the zoo and realized that something was
terribly wrong. People weren't enjoying the animals at the zoo. So I
asked myself why? It seems that the zoo had lost its sense of thrill
and adventure that it once possessed. What could I do? More to the
point, keeping with Chook Industries' motto, "We make it our business,"
what could Chook Industries do?
Let me give you a hint as to what Chook Industries did. The answer was
in the sentence, "People weren't enjoying the animals" that appears in
the first paragraph. Let's face it; animals are put on God's Green
Earth to be enjoyed by man and /or garnished with meat sauces during
family meals. Animals are not placed here to be pampered like children.
So what did Chook Industries do about this problem? Well, Chook
Industries went on a safari and had itself a little "Animal Roundup".
We came back with all sorts of goodies to begin the Chook Zoo. The
safari was a great learning experience for our corporation. Chook
Industries also learned how far an Andrew Jackson or a nice green Grant
can get when slipped into a custom officer's pocket.
But all did
not go hunky-dory, because we had our setbacks. Setbacks are an
inevitable part of life though, and we are concerned with gains, not
losses. For example, we caught ourselves a live elephant. However,
little were we to know that we had ourselves a she elephant which was
pregnant. No one at Chook Industries is a trained zookeeper or trained
in the art of noticing the sex of large mammals not indigenous to our
great nation, the US of A. Upon arriving home though we discovered that
our elephant was a she elephant, because she gave birth to a wee
elephant. We bought two empty boxcars and filled 'em with hay, which
would become the elephants' new homes just like the circus of days of
yore. They wouldn't miss Africa too much we figured, 'cause we would
show 'em a good ol' American time. However the fun didn't last.
Unfortunately someone fed the mommy elephant twenty-five boxes of candy
bars. Mommy elephant quickly died. Obviously candy bars are not a part
of an elephant's every day food fare in the savannah. But we know this
now so it probably won't happen again. As for the baby elephant, he
died soon after when he got into some lead paint accidentally left
beside his car. Actually he might have survived, because he didn't
drink too much paint. However, one of our workers thought that he had
read in Reader's Digest that copper had neutralizing agents against the
poisonous properties of lead. So we fed the baby elephant angel food
cakes filled with copper BBs. Alas, the baby elephant died, too. But
we know we did the best we could. Again, here at Chook Industries we
know that we are not zookeepers or animal raisers but only humble
servants trained in other departments. Besides, like we said, we are
concerned about gains, not losses. So Chook Industries made its
elephant losses into a gain, a big gain. Now you can see the two
elephants' heads, or as we like to call them, Jackie and JFK, mounted
above the Chook Zoo gates greeting all that come in.
course these were our biggest setbacks. What about our other gains?
Chook Industries also decided to do something new with its zoo,
something nineties, something dangerous. One of the neatest things
about seeing an animal in the wild is that there is a chance that an
animal could kill you, and with the death our two caged elephants, we
decided to do something daring. We let all the animals loose on a plot
of land Chook Industries had recently purchased out in Arizona. Upon
coming into the zoo, everybody signs a waiver so that if they are hurt
in the zoo, it is their own fault, not Chook's. Let's face it, if you
get gored at Yellowstone by an angry buffalo, it isn't Yellowstone's
fault. It is your fault. We took this same philosophy and just made it
a little more diverse. On our plot of land we don't have just buffalo,
but we have mountain cougars, chickens, macaws, bald eagles, hippos,
alligators, the whole shebang. And they all just run amuck, just like
in the wild. And just like in the wild, sometimes people unfortunately
get hurt, but Chook Zoo is liberating unlike other zoos. Other zoos
repress and make animals safe by placing them behind steel bars.
Animals are meant to be free and run loose. Normal zoos suck for a lot
of reasons. One of the most annoying things about going to a zoo with
penned-up animals is those signs, "Don't feed the animals, Don't feed
the animals". Feeding animals is fun, if not an American pastime.
Teddy Roosevelt, Roughrider and forefather of this nation, had all sorts
of exotic animals that he captured from far off lands and I bet he fed
them all the time. And the neat thing about feeding a wild animal is
the danger factor. Let me tell you, there isn't a neater feeling in the
world than watching a water bison eat a handful of barbecue potato chips
out of your hand.
And all those dangerous animal videos
advertised on late night television that look so tempting? Screw them,
come to Chook Zoo. We have dangerous animals that should never even
have been put together. Imagine an angry tiger fighting with a grizzly
bear over a dead antelope? Or how about a starved wolverine shredding a
helpless hippo to pieces? Kiss all those danger videos goodbye and say
"Hello" to Chook Zoo. Sometimes the animals even get out of hand, and
just like in Cops our Chook Employees have to regulate. For example,
the other day one of the snow lynxes got violent, so we just shot him.
And of course there is comic relief too, like the spider monkeys that
are always getting tangled up in the barbed wire fences and screeching
for hours and hours upon end. I don't know why they keep doing this,
but it sure is funny. Nature has a good sense of humor just like me.
Chook Zoo also has a gift shop and restaurant. You can be
rest assured that all those animal that get out of hand never go to
waste at Chook Zoo. Who knows what you may find in our gift shop, maybe
a set of spoons made from walrus tusk. And if you go to the Chook Zoo
Restaurant you just may go home with a snow lynx steak in your stomach.
Who ever heard of such a thing? Chook Zoo is about bringing the zoo
back to the people.
Of course the animal activists get pissed
and send us nasty letters from time to time. But the revenues give the
edge. Those pansies thought they could shut down Ultimate Fighting the
same way and they failed. You know why, because Chook Industries is a
business leader and innovator and we make that "our business". So if
you are an animal activist/ flamer, here is our piece of advice to you:
go to your poof zoo with all its don't feed-the-animal signs. However
if you are a real man or woman, and you want the real deal, then come to
Chook Zoo and Chook Zoo will deliver. Chook Zoo: "Animals are a
replenishable resource, human fun isn't." Come to Chook Zoo!!!