The Mind Lab of Larry Snow
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Wet Rags
Put wet rags under the door to keep the smell of herb from escaping the room. I picked that one up from David Crosby. No wait, maybe it was Pat Boone.
(Posted at 1:59:31 PM EST.)
I was soooo stoned at Harry Potter
You know I just realized, that I couldn't have possibly seen the matinee today
because it is only 10:00 AM or so. Man, I must be stoned. Either that or I'm time
distortion-nizing. Maybe I'm so high, I had an outer body movie experience. Screw
this metaphysical crap. I'm gonna eat pizza now.
(Posted at 10:30:50 AM EST.)
Hempy Potter
Well I got to see the matinee of Harry Potter today. Wow. I smoked a nice joint
of pot while I watched it. My new cool hairdo and feather ear ring allow me to engage
in the activities of youth, like dope and Harry Potter. Although I am surprised nobody
said anything to me... They must have been frightened. I guess it is the classic youth
threatening the old gaurd thing. But who cares, all I'm saying is get stoned at Harry Potter! Man the kids are gonna love this
flick.
(Posted at 10:20:50 AM EST.)
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Thursday, November 1, 2001
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Movie Phone
The movie line hung up on me three times in a row. I never did figure out what time "Harry Potter" started. I saw K-Pax instead.
(Posted at 8:21:27 PM EST.)
Ghosts
Oh my... the title to the last post is a ghost. Where did it "go"st. Ha-ha-ha. Man I'm funny.
(Posted at 9:38:54 AM EST.)
This post is in reference to the incident involving Jim’s winning, and
subsequent loosing of the title employee of the year. Well Jim, I can’t
help that you don’t read the “Mind Lab” on a regular basis. As you
know, I’m a busy hip man, with a hip dew, and in the world of hip, we
the hip don’t have time to tell everything that we decide to those who are unhiply affected by our decision making processi. So when I placed the reward for the title in your file
cabinet, how was I to know that the puppy would do his business on your
important paper work? And I’m sorry that spent all day cleaning it
up. If you had of checked your file cabinet before you left work, then
Snoopy wouldn’t have been in their overnight. You’re damn lucky that he
survived. And yes Jim, you may have been very upset you lost months of
hard work to a mire of puppy mess, but all I’m saying is this, in the
future, Jim, maybe you should “think” before you give your opinions so
freely especially if you are a little upset. Because when we are upset,
we all have a tendency to say things we regret. Now I know you were
afraid I’d fire you when I asked you how old I looked. You voiced this
concern several times, and as and I told you then, I’m bigger than
that. But honestly Jim, your reply, “Larry… the haircut really doesn’t
suit you…” was the wrong answer. My age has nothing to do with my
choice in hairstyles. You still have your job Jim, but you’ve lost your
employee of the year title as well Snoopy the crappy puppy which I have
taken back.
(Posted at 8:59:01 AM EST.)
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Wednesday, October 31, 2001
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navig8r
If I owned a Lincoln Navigator, I would get the license plate: "navig8r". I hope nobody mistakes me for a l337 HAxx3r. (That's hacker-speak for "good hacker")
(Posted at 6:25:32 PM EST.)
Nobody better wear my costume
And when I say "nobody", I mean "nobody". I wonder what I'm going to come as.
(Posted at 7:33:27 AM EST.)
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Tuesday, October 30, 2001
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Star Employee of the Year
Starting this year, and each year from here on out, I will choose an
employee whose excellence in workplace I feel is invaluable. This year
that employee is Mr. Shooter, or as we know him, just Jim. Jim is a
good man who has done much for our company. As his reward he shall
receive "the gift of excellence", a puppy dog, named Snoopy.
(Posted at 8:27:19 AM EST.)
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The Rings of Time Distort-ionizing
See that! I even said yesterday in my previous post. Yesterday to me was actually two days ago, Friday. Time passes
uncontrollably around me, just like in Star Trek where sometimes the episodes look old and sometimes they look new. Sometimes the actors just change for no apparent reason. It is because of what they call a worm hole, or a ring of
chronological distort-ionizing. What is more is the distort-ionizing envelopes I create around me are cool and exciting. For
example, if you walk in my office, I might call you over and pull a quarter from out behind your ear.
Check out this Einstein who has found a cool and exiting time distort-ionizing ring too.
(Posted at 8:24:53 AM EST.)
How old is Larry # 2
I didn’t get to finish this thought yesterday. As I was saying my
immediate answer would be older than the universe itself, because my
mind, not attached to my flesh body, is a part of the collective of
space minds. Therefore age doesn’t matter and for the people who think
my Keith Moon haircut and blue jay feather earring look dumb, we’ll you can just go hang out with your unenlightened non-space minds. Still if
somebody knew my actual age, could they send me a memo with my age on
it.
(Posted at 8:07:13 AM EST.)
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How old is Larry.
A lot of people have asked themselves how old is Larry. My immediate
answer would be older than time itself. But – THAT STINKING PUPPY! Snoopy just
made a mess again! I’m not into throwing puppies, but I may throw this one
right back in the dumpster where I found him.
Another Garbage Puppy
(Posted at 8:39:48 AM EDT.)
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Thursday, October 25, 2001
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Additionally....
I need to know how old I am. Seriously.
(Posted at 1:32:40 PM EDT.)
Handkerchief monogram
bought myself several dozen handkerchiefs with monograms on them today. I like to pull them out of my pockets like a magician and whip the secretaries’ buttocks when they go giggling by. It isn't like just snapping them with a wet towel, but snapping them with a symbol of sophistication with your name initialled on it.
H for Hankypanky
(Posted at 1:30:29 PM EDT.)
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Wednesday, October 24, 2001
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How old am I am?
I forgot how old I am. This is becoming a grave a concern. If somebody
could please email me and let me know as soon as possible how old I am, I
would be indebted. Alright, I have to cut this post short, Snoopy just
used the bathroom on the fax machine.
(Posted at 7:54:21 AM EDT.)
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Tuesday, October 23, 2001
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Haircut
I got a haircut today, sort of like one of those Keith Moon deals. I
also got a really nice blue jay feather earring. It doesn’t look tacky
at all. If anything it really sets off the red highlights in my hair.
Damn. I’m the hippest 55 year old man I ever met… wait… or am I 45?
Damn, I’m so hip I forgot how old I am.
(Posted at 11:13:02 PM EDT.)
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Good job Snoopy. Now for your reward.
I'm taking you to Ren-Fest.
Don't bite the minstrels!
(Posted at 6:26:18 PM EDT.)
Don't Worry Snoopy! Christmas is just around the corner!
I know you probably aren't to happy about luggin Bono and all his Zooropa money around Snoopy, but Christmas is almost upon us. And if you are a good dog, Santa is going to treat you right with dogie-treats!!! I promise! Maybe Santa will even let you pull his sleigh, and we can charge him a couple bucks... you know... for the milk and cookies.
Ho-Ho-Ho!!! Merry Christmas!
(Posted at 6:11:09 PM EDT.)
Snoopy is gonna make me Bono-Rich!
You know how much money Bono has? Just think about it. That man owns half of Ireland I bet. I know I said I wouldn't make Snoopy pull the weight of a full grown man, but it looks like Bono is into dog carting too. With some of Bono's cash... well, Snoopy might have to endure a little pain.
Bono
(Posted at 6:06:35 PM EDT.)
When Snoopy Get's Big
All I'm saying is Sunday drives in the park, not for me of course though. I'm too big. But I'm not below selling good Snoopy's services to stray park children.
Who let the Dogs out!!!
(Posted at 5:39:57 PM EDT.)
Smoking Dogs
If I taught my dog Snoopy to smoke, maybe John would write a song about that too, in addition to the song about the superlung.
Puff, puff. I love smoking dogs!
(Posted at 12:55:01 PM EDT.)
Superlung
He's gotta have superlungs the way I see it. I hope to god he eventually writes his book on the secret of his lungs. I'd even be content if he just wrote a song about his superlungs on one of his albums.
John's Lung Site
(Posted at 12:42:09 PM EDT.)
I bought a dog.
I bought a dog just so I could call it Snoopy.
(Posted at 7:34:59 AM EDT.)
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Tuesday, October 16, 2001
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Snoopy
A good name for a dog is Snoopy.
(Posted at 04:06:54 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 20 - Post it Notes
Sometimes before a big sale, or just when I don't feel like working, which is a lot, I take two post it notes, draw an eyeball on each of them and then stick them over my own eyes. Although I really can't see through the post it notes, mainly because they are opaque, I still finds it puts me at rest and I can quickly fall asleep at work when I should be working. I can't tell you how many times employees have come in my office and thought I was awake because my post it note eyeballs were wide open.
(Posted at 01:27:10 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 19 - How to Make Firing Employees Easier
It is a really tough thing to fire employees. One thing I've found that makes it a little easier is sometimes to make a little joke. That is why when I fire employee I reach into my desk and pull out a toy cap gun and fire it in the air a couple times and then tell that employee that they are fired. I've also been known to use a Supersoaker also.
(Posted at 07:09:09 PM EDT.)
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Wednesday, October 3, 2001
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Marketing Theories 18 - The Rise and Fall of the Cosby Frozen Desert Empire
There is a lot to be learned from the fallen Pudding Pop Empire where marketing is concerned. Namely, where is it today? Other celebrity food products are still around, like Paul Newman's salad dressing. Personally when I attend an evening at the Olive Garden, I tell them to take their crap imitation dressing and stick it up their poopers and I whip out some of the real stuff, good ol' Mr. Newman which I use to spice up their salads Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid style. And you've gotta ask yourself, why is Paul Newman's product still around and Cosby's not? Because comedian styled food never sells. Who would dare touch Robin William's Pretzels or Roseanne Barr's Wonder Sliced Bread Loaf. Nobody. But people who aren't comedians, they can sell food products. Even things that help prepare food like the George Foreman grill. I've got 4 of em' myself, in green, blue, yellow and red Imac color.
(Posted at 10:23:38 AM EDT.)
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Pudding Pops
Whatever happened to them? Did you notice they just disappeared? It's not like they weren't popular. I always suspected something fishy about them and Bill Cosby....
(Posted at 12:44:14 AM EDT.)
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Saturday, September 15, 2001
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Marketing Theories 17 - Lasiks
Some of the budget for my company is going to my Lasiks surgery. But I'm saving my company money by only having one eye done. Then I'm gonna wear a monocle.
(Posted at 09:07:26 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 16 - Tips from Redman
Redman keeps a shoe box filled with crumpled one dollar bills in his kitchen. Whenever Redman needs to pop over to the mini mart to get some Sour Patch Kids, Baseball Cards or a copy of the Wall Street Journal, he just reaches in to his shoebox and grabs some ones.
Link: Redman's Site
(Posted at 03:43:49 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 15 - Take time out to be creative
A Poem
Dolly Parton
got to fartin,
couldn't quit
and so she shit.
(Posted at 03:06:32 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 14 - Creepy Roy
I hired a Roy Orbison impersonator recently to sit in on perspective deals. Why? Cause Roy Orbison is one of the creepiest individuals ever. In the film footage for Pretty Woman, when he is standing there real static, and breaks his statuesque spell with that 'gggrrrroooww', it is Creepy Roy genius. The Creepy Roy who works for me similarly intimidates my clients like midnight coffins to the graveyard.
(Posted at 04:02:00 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 12 - Molten Lava Ashtrays
With all E-commerce now bust, I see a future once again in exotic 1950's room decor. Besides war bonds and Todd McFarlane Toys, Molten Lava Ashtrays are some of the wisest investments you can make.
Making the Lava Ashtrays
John, Ashtray and Newspaper: I don't think John has a lava ashtray here, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't think about getting one. QUIT PONDERING USA TODAY'S COVERAGE ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHINA CRISIS JOHN AND GO OUT AND BUY, BUY, BUY MOLTEN LAVA ASHTRAYS. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MOLTEN LAVA ASHTRAYS WILL SOON BE WORTH A SMALL FORTUNE AND THAT USA TODAY IS PACKED WITH NOTHING BUT LIES, LIES, LIES
(Posted at 01:06:39 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 11 - Cavities
Big cavities in your mouth are sure to mean "no sale" when trying to rope in perspective buyers. I'm talking about the nasty ones that look like black bugs on the front of your teeth. When your clients see little black dots of rot on what you now pronounce your 'teef' (because you will have invariably lost some by this point), they will NOT think you've been pretending you were a reptile scarfing down beetles by the bug zapper, but that you desperately need to pay the dentist a visit. If perspective buyer's minds are filled with phantasms of lizards and men molesting nurses, they will not focus on what you are saying and you will not make the sale. A rich Spaniard once said, "My pearly whites have brought me more riches than all the Indians I ripped off in the Americas."
Think No Cavities
A Goth Girl called Decay - Have her friends nicknamed her Decay because she's got a mouth full of rotting teeth? We can't know for sure because she isn't smiling.
Another Goth Girl called Hand. Why's she called Hand? Funny, the only thing I call 'hand' is my hand.
(Posted at 01:12:51 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 10B - Chinese Food
I wonder though, if we sell arms to Taiwan and start a cold war with China, will Americans still be allowed to eat at Chinese Restaurants? It is a good question isn't it. This spy plane thing already set back the international restaurant business about ten years. This is what really concerns me about the White House's new isolationist policies, not how it will affect the stock market (I have most of my money in War Bonds and they never go bad just like Tac), but how it will affect the my eating. At least my favourite Chinese Restaurant by the New Mall in Salisbury is on top of the game though. I was over there the other day and they had a big banner in there that said, "We can't fly, but we can cook." Food with a helping of diplomacy.
(Posted at 03:52:26 PM EDT.)
Marketing Theories 10 - Cheatar, the God of Cheating
Don't fret over the rules of engagement when your god of business is Cheatar.
(Posted at 02:56:40 PM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 9 - Hitting the Jackpot
My own life and blood mother had a premonition the other day eating while Chinese Food that she was going to win the lottery, so she accordingly went to Royal Farms Market and bought three lottery tickets. Just as long as she doesn't start saying, "This is the best Chinese Food I've ever had". My grandma' (my mom's mom) says that at every single meal nowadays, especially when it is KFC to-go.
(Posted at 12:20:45 AM EDT.)
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Marketing Theories 8 - How to spend your evenings
I often just spend a big marketing night just shittin-in cooking up ideas. I get a can of beans, eat them and let biology smoke those ideas like bees out of my mind.
(Posted at 05:05:52 PM EST.)
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Marketing Theories 7: Test Drive - The Movie
When you decide to make a movie, make sure you have a big company who you can advertise for and can in turn sponsor the project. That is why I picked Texaco for "Test Drive - The Movie". "Test Drive - The Movie" is about gas attendant Jesse Cobb who works at Texaco Gas Station (notice, Texaco are my advertisers!). One day, a woman in a mini-van gets full service. Jesse goes out to assist her and starts to fill up her car. All the sudden a group of collapsible scooter hooligans armed with slingshots race through the lot. They start firing their slingshots and Jesse gets hit, falls and pulls the gas pump down with him. Gasoline starts to pour all over him. The woman who owns the mini van gets out and is revealed to be a 20 year old red head knockout. She starts to squeal at which point the gang of collapsible scooter hooligans return and start to paw at her. She squeals some more. What the scooter gang doesn't know though is that the night before a group of woodland animals including mice, beaver and bats came by the gas pump which is now covering Jesse in gas and enchanted it. This portion of the movie, the enchanting of the gas that is, will probably have to be put before scooter fight so audiences aren't confused. Because it is enchanted magical gas, Jesse Cobb suddenly transforms into Automobile Man and beats up the collapsible scooter gang. He picks one of them up and throws them into a Mexican Restaurant across the street. The scooter driver flies through a window and into the kitchen where one of the Chef goes, "Es el scooter burrito!" and throws a flour burrito on the guy with the scooter. I thought this part of the movie would be insanely hilarious. That night Jesse and the red head, make sweet love soft core style. Lots of soft focuses. As a token of their love, Jesse gives, the red head, whose name is Valerie, a VHS copy of Mulan (cause all girls like Disney movies) and Texaco snow shaky bubble thing. In this scene I have brought the advertising full circle, by once again entering Texaco into the picture, just like Mission Impossible did with Apple. Maybe even Disney would give the movie a sponsor too.
(Posted at 07:57:33 AM EST.)
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Welcome to Larry Snow's Mind Lab
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Come visit my Mind Lab. It will be updated regularly by my mind. At some point, I will write up my biography and feature it here. That is also from my mind.
- Larry Snow
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